The accusation wedge

I’m thinking again about accusations and how they can kill relationship. The word “Satan” means “the accuser”. More accurately it is one who uses accusation as a wedge to divide. That makes total sense to me because accusations do just that. They drive a wedge between two people or between a person and their God. Accusations destroy intimacy… period. Once spoken, they are terribly hard to intercept and destroy.

Think about it. Suppose someone accused you of being a chatterbox, would you be willing to talk freely in their presence? What if someone accused you of lying? Would you ever trust that person to know your heart? The fact is accusations drive a permanent wedge, relationship can not be repaired unless the accusation is addressed. You can not mend the relationship by ignoring the accusation… you can only fake it.

Sometimes accusations are framed in scary ways. I once had a friend forgive me for terrible acts of treachery that I would never do. She was very sincere but the premise was a horrible accusation. Her “forgiveness” meant nothing to me… except as a knife to stab and twist at my heart. I trusted her as a friend to know me… Her accusation still stands between us. I can’t begin to explain the pain that one act of “forgiveness” brought me. She now relates only to the picture she has painted of me… and I am not what she sees.

As I think of accusations I am reminded of Romans 2:1 “Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things.” I think we imagine in another what we would do in the same situation. So we accuse people of what we ourselves would do. Accusations are warning signs to bring intersection. Listen to what you say… search for the source.

The accusor unveiled

You never know what your children will gain from all the myriads of conflicts, conversations and teachings you had with them over the years. It’s frustrating to me that you never really find out how you did until it is too late to do anything about it. I guess that means I am totally and utterly dependent on God as a parent. I certainly was not capable of the huge task of keeping them alive much less teaching them what they “really” needed to know. How was I supposed to know what they “really” needed to know? I didn’t have a window into what they will encounter in life.

There is a passage in scripture now called the “golden rule”, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” that was my motivation to teach my kids how to fight. I grew up in a home where fighting amongst siblings was just plain expected and disrespect went uncorrected. The fights amongst my siblings, at times, felt life threatening to me since shedding blood was an acceptable way to “win”.

When I went to college I took a class on communication. It was like opening up a window of hope. There is another way! As a result, communication and conflict resolution became a 20+ year course in our home starting from when my kids were taking teddy bears away from each other, “just cause”. My rigorous 20 year communications course is the one thing my kids seem most grateful for.

So what did I teach? Well—respect—that it matters whether what you do is hurtful or kind especially towards your own family. Certain words got the same punishment as cuss words, words like stupid, hate, and can’t (saying, “I can’t” is disrespectful of yourself which counts!)

It is important to take the time to personally own everything you can first. Start by owning your part in the conflict or any fault that added to it…A true, well thought out, accurate, “I’m sorry” puts a pin in the heat of the moment (a true I’m sorry brings a change with it… words mean nothing!) But tell the truth. Sometimes there isn’t anything to own.

Conflict isn’t about winning but building relationship… learning about the other by listening to their pain and honoring it… even if you are not the source of that pain. Sometimes the only way to find the source is to hash through conflict with someone else who willing to hash. (I hate conflict…I often want it resolved before it is hashed… I stand corrected… my kids have become my teacher.)

There was no doggin’ allowed (put downs, mean jokes or name calling), even in “fun”. If disrespect and conflict was going on at home, no one was ready to go play with someone else.

Mostly, I taught how to use “I feel” statements instead of “you” statements and to eliminate always, never and the like. When someone said, “Your trying to make me blah, blah, blah…!” It needed to be transformed into, “When this happened, I felt this way.”

So what was the point of all that? It was to eliminate accusation in any form in my home. Satan is called the accuser of the brethren.We join with him in his work when we dog on each other or speak in statements starting with "you", like, "you always, you never, you need to, you’re a pig, you are making me angry" etc (check out thinkingoutwords.blogspot.com even statements like, “you’re beautiful are still shrouded accusations… different than, “I like the way you look”). When we speak in accusations we are eating again from the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. We are once again beguiled by the serpent to seek God's place and stand as judges.

We are not appointed as judges. We were never intended to live by the knowledge of good and evil but by grace. We were intended to live by God's unmerited delight in us! We are all heirs of right...ness. The ability to have a place with God is a gift. It is an inheritance received because of the death of our benefactor. Grace says, we are all equally deserving of death and equally rescued from our death sentence. Outside of that, we have no ground whatsoever to stand on. But because of our benefactor... You and I are equally delighted in by God.