Following the Ball

I have a ministry called, "Follow the Ball". I hesitate to call it a "ministry" because it is just a principal that I want to live out and God can do with what He will. It's named after the old sing-a-longs TV shows that had song words going across the screen and a bouncing ball on top of the words to help you know what to sing next.

The idea is to follow God's lead, not to go ahead and not to get behind, just follow the lead. It's not easy. I get swallowed up a lot in the clamor in life. I'm not sure how well my spiritual hearing is doing. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going spiritually deaf. Usually, when I ask God about that He shows me that I have my fingers stuck in my ears (again).

So I'm wondering today why my fingers are in my ears. (Listening as best you can with your fingers in your ears) It makes it hard to hear when your fingers are in your ears and the only way I know to have the courage to take them out is to hear the LORD. God what about that? (listening... or trying to) It feels like I can't tell the difference between fear and exhaustion. That sounds funny to say. Maybe I am afraid of exhaustion, like I'm afraid God is going to ask me to do one more thing and I just don't have it. What about that God? (listening)

Hmmm, the picture I have is that there are two kind of exhaustion. One is when you have put in a hard day's work. There is a sense of accomplishment and peace with that. Then there is the kind of exhaustion where you are battling up stream... swimming but not getting anywhere. The sense I have is that God doesn't ask me to do the latter. He asks for a day's work, because we were created for good work.

But, I have MCS. That often translates into chronic fatigue. A day's work for me is more than exhausting at times. I'm tired of that exhaustion! What about that God? (listening) Hmmm the sense I have is that fear is exhausting and rest, deep inner rest comes from Him. Hmmm so are rest and work opposites? (listening) Hmmm, I would have said they are but I have a picture in my head of resting peacefully while digging in my garden.

So what does all that have to do following the ball? (listening) I hearing Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Wow, that has a whole new meaning to me right now!

Making myself weak by hiding my weakness

I'm struggling again with the toxic thing. I rode into town (big city) yesterday forgetting to bring my carbon filter (bad idea). If I had it to do over again I would have been late to our appointment and gone back for it... what was I thinking? I spent the night shivering, trying to rest. This morning I feel like a was run over by a truck!

No, I really don't want sympathy. I want to offer camaraderie for other sufferers of MCS (Multiple Chemical Sensitivities). I want to let people know what helps. If you suffer with MCS and haven't tried carbon filters like these you are suffering more than you have to.

But then I want to go back to that question... what was I thinking? Why was I willing to pay this price for something unimportant in the whole scheme of things. Why am I willing to squander my health for insignificant things? I know it's important for me to push through how I feel sometimes. If I didn't do that I would never do anything but it feels like sometimes I do things that compromise my health because I don't want to draw attention or because I hate being frail or maybe just because I am in denial about what it does to me? What's the deal with that God? (listening) Hmmm I am not really hearing the LORD in this place. It feels like I am afraid to hear Him because I don't want Him to say, "You have to do more!" What about that God? (listening) Hmmm what I hear is that God is a God of rest. I'm reminded of Mark 2:27-28, "“The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath. Therefore the Son of Man is also Lord of the Sabbath.”" What does rest have to do with my question? (listening) Hmmm well, I feel a deep sense of God understanding my exhaustion, wow, it feels amazing to feel understood!

So I'm going back to the original question, God what is driving me to keep going when it is a health risk for me? (listening) Hmmm, I hate looking frail... weak, being "in the way" or a "bother" Gak! those are all shame labels. Am I shaming myself into inaction? (listeing) Well, that feels true, I am risking my health so that I "look" healthy (How ridiculous is that?)

But my health issue is not who I am in the LORD. I have purpose, my weakness has purpose. God says in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." Wow, boast in my infirmities, I'm a long ways from being OK with that! But it is interesting that I, like many, hide anything that makes me look weak or frail. Which can often immediately make me weaker and more frail. I suppose that if I "boast" in my infirmities or at least be comfortable in my own skin and not hide my struggle I would have more potential to recoup and recover.

Day 52 looking for progress

It’s been a little over 50 days since I have started this blogging adventure. I have been trying to listen to God each day for what I am supposed to accomplish for the day. There are some days when it seems hard to figure out what is my desire to do for the day and what is God’s desire for the day. Some days it’s clear as a bell but others not so much. I haven’t decided if I am not clear on those days because I am not clear or because God isn’t giving a definitive answer. Sometimes He answers as I go about my day… like yesterday, who could have predicted in the morning what would happen the rest of the day? I got a phone call midday and God whispered, “This is important, listen up” And so the rest of my day was laid out.

There are some cool things to point out overall though. One is, God would have me do way less than I think I “Should” do in a day. Because I struggle regularly with low energy, I tend to wait for a day when I feel better and then cram a bunch of things in the day because who knows when I will have another “good” day. When I am listening to God, I tend to do one hard thing in a day (hard meaning something that costs energy). When I do that, I seem to have more energy over all… I am evening out a bit and having less total crashes.

I also quit way sooner. I don’t go places I sometimes think I “should” go. I stay at home more often which gives me the time to bring it into better order.

I have since I started this brought many things to order. My paperwork is in better order than it has been in perhaps a decade or more. My house though a bit cluttered this morning is in way better order over all. There are only three dishes in my sink as I rise this morning. There are a few things on my table but most are pertinent for my day today.

There are other things that seem out of order but mostly they seem to be next in line or maybe they show up as the other things come to order. One of those is my attachment to the internet. Somehow I am managing my pain by filling my brain with empty facts. Some facts are important to know… I like to learn new things but when the house is empty at the end of the day sometimes I avoid the emptiness by making noise. I think that is the next thing to face and bring to order.

I have felt led to try some different supplements, and I have changed the way my house looks and feels, I have changed my patterns throughout my day without even realizing it. I can’t tell what single thing has made the difference but I am not nearly as exhausted. There has always been this deep, in your bones kind of exhaustion that I have lived with I guess since I acquired MCS that has been missing for the last few weeks. It is WAY amazing!