ANTs, Post-Traumatic stress and God's way out

I read a book years ago called “None of These Diseases” by S. I. M.D. McMillen and David E. M.D. M.D. Stern. It was based on Exodus 15:26 which says, “And He said, " If you will give earnest heed to the voice of the LORD your God, and do what is right in His sight, and give ear to His commandments, and keep all His statutes, I will put none of the diseases on you which I have put on the Egyptians; for I, the LORD, am your healer."” I’m not sure what of my ideas came from that book but I find the promise in this Exodus passage interesting when you consider that much of the law had to do with cleanliness, washing your hands before you eat, how to handle disease among the people and disposal of dead things. It was centuries before people understood scientifically how to prevent the spread of disease but the solution was already in their hands.

I was thinking about that in connection with Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. Doctor Amen, of the Amen Clinics writes a book called “Change your Brain, Change your Life.” In it he talks about killing the “ANTs” which are automatic negative thoughts. He talks about breaking anxiety and depression by killing ANTs. Most understand the effects of stress on our bodies and on our lives. It is hard to know what to do to combat the things that bombard us day by day but again if we take God’s word to heart there are answers to there that I had never really considered. Want to know how to kill those ANTs? Dwell… live on the true, honorable, right, pure things… dig and find the things worthy of praise and live there

I don’t believe that means to stuff it or refuse to feel what you can’t help feeling. Much of what goes round and round in our heads is really post-traumatic stress. Things replay in our minds because our brains are trying to process the unthinkable. Twisty, hurtful and wrong… the thing that we can never seem to process is evil. I don’t believe we were ever created to experience evil. It always feels like a punch in the gut when we experience it and there is no way to make sense of it. But our brains try, and try, and try. But God did give us ways to survive evil one of which is to shine a light on the path out of the darkness. That is turning our eyes from the evil and focusing it on the good. Not denying that the evil is there but taking away it’s power by turning to the LORD in our pain.

Sometimes my way of doing battle against the enemy is to write music. I figure if I write a praise song every time satan attacks me he might back off. Now, as I look at that passage in Philippians 4 it makes even more sense. When I am laid flat by evil, or left flailing by some twisted truth, recognizing that the path out is focusing my eyes on Jesus instead of on the waves. (Matthew 14:28-30)

How sweet our Abba's love for us.

I spent the last two days waiting in a hospital. Waiting for the bringing forth of new life. Birth is such a holy thing. It teaches us from the get go how much we can not control. I have never watch two people more intent on doing what is best for their child, paying any price to offer the very best of beginnings. Wow, tough decisions too. It's hard sometimes to know which path to chose. It isn't always a choice for the child to know no hardship... just the least hardship.

I turn my face back to my Abba who also had to make hard, hard choices. I think He also chose the path most honoring of His son. That may seem hard to understand but as I look at the love these two parents have for their child... I see mirrored the love both Father and Son have for their created children. In that love any price is payable for the sake of the loved.

Welcome to our world sweet child. You are loved!

Fire from Heaven, hostages and wheat

I did some processing the other day. I walked through some old pain that was stirred up and I asked again the old question, “God, why didn’t you step in and DO something?” Since I have instances in my journey where some were physically/emotionally hurtful but just as hurtful were those that stood by and watched as if nothing horrible was happening. Grrrr! I get all the psychological reasons but how can you stand by and watch? I don’t think I can ever get that.

That gets twisty sometimes when it feels like God stood by and watched too. When I feel like it can make God frightening and unapproachable. Many times I ask Him point blank. “Well, what were YOU doing? What makes you different? I suppose it might sound precocious but I have never felt anything but delight from the LORD for my honesty and directness. He wants true followers. I wouldn’t be true if I buried my questions so as not to be disrespectful.

Sometimes I most relate to the disciples James and John. Jesus called them the sons of thunder. In Luke 9:54-56 after Jesus was rejected by the Samaritans for political reasons maybe? It says this about James and John. “And when His disciples James and John saw this, they said, “Lord, do You want us to command fire to come down from heaven and consume them, just as Elijah did?”” I think fire from heaven would be a good response don’t you? But Jesus said to them in response, “You do not know what manner of spirit you are of. For the Son of Man did not come to destroy men’s lives but to save them. “

Can Jesus love both the victim and the abuser? Is there a difference? There are many places where God says He hates oppression. Why can’t I see that? I want to see Him step in if He hates oppression! When I really need to see God’s response to violence and oppression I turn back to Psalms 18. That’s a cool Psalm. There He is sending out hailstones and coals of fire. :)

This time though I asked Jesus why He didn’t step in and I got an unusual answer. In the pain that I was processing I felt surrounded by people who didn’t react or step in. I wanted God to send down fire from heaven and burn them all! But the picture I had was of a hostage crisis where the goal is first to rescue the hostages then deal with the hostage takers. I am thinking of a movie called “Inside Man”. In the movie everyone was dressed the same. The hostages and the perpetrators all were given the same suits. Then they were mixed up so that no one could tell who was who.

That reminds me of the parable of the wheat and the tares (Matthew 13:24-30) where the enemy planted tares among the wheat seeds. The owner of the field decided for the sake of the wheat the tares should be left alone until the harvest. Hmmm, Interesting thoughts as I relate all this to evil and its effect. I know in a field full of weeds the wheat won’t do as well as in a field that has none. But where in the world are we isolated from evil?

Brrrr!

I woke up to a cold house this morning. The furnace isn’t working and my husband’s out of town. For the next two days I will have to heat exclusively with wood. Its sad how much we take for granted in our lives. I read an article yesterday about a gal who turned her whole village around by getting help putting in a foot powered water pump and growing vegetables. I have nothing to complain about. :)

Day 52 looking for progress

It’s been a little over 50 days since I have started this blogging adventure. I have been trying to listen to God each day for what I am supposed to accomplish for the day. There are some days when it seems hard to figure out what is my desire to do for the day and what is God’s desire for the day. Some days it’s clear as a bell but others not so much. I haven’t decided if I am not clear on those days because I am not clear or because God isn’t giving a definitive answer. Sometimes He answers as I go about my day… like yesterday, who could have predicted in the morning what would happen the rest of the day? I got a phone call midday and God whispered, “This is important, listen up” And so the rest of my day was laid out.

There are some cool things to point out overall though. One is, God would have me do way less than I think I “Should” do in a day. Because I struggle regularly with low energy, I tend to wait for a day when I feel better and then cram a bunch of things in the day because who knows when I will have another “good” day. When I am listening to God, I tend to do one hard thing in a day (hard meaning something that costs energy). When I do that, I seem to have more energy over all… I am evening out a bit and having less total crashes.

I also quit way sooner. I don’t go places I sometimes think I “should” go. I stay at home more often which gives me the time to bring it into better order.

I have since I started this brought many things to order. My paperwork is in better order than it has been in perhaps a decade or more. My house though a bit cluttered this morning is in way better order over all. There are only three dishes in my sink as I rise this morning. There are a few things on my table but most are pertinent for my day today.

There are other things that seem out of order but mostly they seem to be next in line or maybe they show up as the other things come to order. One of those is my attachment to the internet. Somehow I am managing my pain by filling my brain with empty facts. Some facts are important to know… I like to learn new things but when the house is empty at the end of the day sometimes I avoid the emptiness by making noise. I think that is the next thing to face and bring to order.

I have felt led to try some different supplements, and I have changed the way my house looks and feels, I have changed my patterns throughout my day without even realizing it. I can’t tell what single thing has made the difference but I am not nearly as exhausted. There has always been this deep, in your bones kind of exhaustion that I have lived with I guess since I acquired MCS that has been missing for the last few weeks. It is WAY amazing!

Wooing a broken heart

Ever ask God why? Why did this happen? Why that? I have questioned God’s integrity on every turn I think. But God has been very patient with me. He has had to earn my trust. Not because He has wronged me but because I have been wronged so many times before. I have learned to be tough and wise in the ways of the world. I am not easily fooled. Nor am I easily reached.

Still, on my tough days, when things in the present are hurtful or frightening, sometimes my first reaction is to run in the wrong direction. The thing is my life, my brain, everything is held together in Him (Colossians 1:17) so I can’t run very far before everything falls apart!

I don’t believe God gets frustrated with that… would you if I was your toddler? God is wooing a broken heart. I picture Him often on His knees getting small enough to really look me in the face. Some would not think of God this way but isn’t that how and why Jesus came? Did He come to save us from our sins? Or did He come to restore relationship? Sure one needed to be accomplished and to open the way for the other but the driving motivation was reconciliation.

On a personal level reconciliation means wooing a broken winged, scared, delicate little bird and building enough trust to touch her and bring healing. That has taken a lot of time and patience. I have often treated God like another deserved. But He has been so very sweet and kind in response.

Processing money and learning who's boss

God and I did a lot of processing yesterday. Money in many ways feels like an enemy to me. Sometimes it feels like I can’t help but serve money, like it has so much control over my life that I feel trapped into doing the “financially responsible” thing. I don’t want to be financially irresponsible. How can you tell what is moving in trust and what is financially irresponsible? I am stumped! I felt trapped yesterday and afraid, not exactly afraid because of money but perhaps still in reaction to it.

Fear or worry for me is an indicator. It means that somewhere inside of me satan (I don’t think is name ought to be capitalized grrr!) is getting a foothold. The word fear has so many connotations. I know some times it means respect, like I have respect for a warning sign that says, “DANGER!” I respect a rattlesnake that brings a new understanding to fear and trembling.

But there is a kind of fear that is an entity, the “spirit of fear” Like in 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear” (italics mine) Romans 8:15 says, “For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear” (italics mine) That word again implies to me that I once was in bondage to fear but I’m not anymore.

I am better than I used to be at recognizing the difference between fear that is respect of dangerous or powerful things and the spirit of fear. Yesterday the spirit of fear knocked on my brain. It felt good to recognized the attack early, before I made a huge mess of things (maybe? Well, if you only count yesterday.). Yesterday I turned to the LORD in my fear instead of screaming at others around me to make me feel better… safe.

God and I figured out that I freak out when given impossible tasks and are expected to accomplish them. Hmmm, but though mastering money feels impossible, it’s not. :)