Tuesday, January 24, 2012


I just listened again to a lesson by Bob Hamp of Freedom Ministries. He talks about Matthew 6:33 where Jesus says "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." The idea I got was, if I focus on the problem--even for the purpose of solving the problem my focus is on something other than Jesus.  If I focus on Jesus, and take my cues from Him, my problem will resolve itself. 

So let's take money as an example (since money is a problem for me).  I hate money.  In my life growing up it was used as a manipulative tool.  Hmmm, is money always a manipulative tool?  That's the deal.  If I work to make money isn't it a manipulative tool?  And if I am focused on what that work will make me, money wise, where is my focus?  Why do we work? I do ministry for women who have been hurt.  I certainly don't do that for the money.  There is no money to be made working on the outside of the gate.  But, it takes money to eat... doesn't it? Where do you draw the line? When is money the focus of what we do and when is it the consequence? (listening) (still listening)

It is now tax season.  Every year I start out the year with great hopes that I will find new gifts of organization and keep everything together so tax season is a breeze.  Every year I fail at it miserably and I spend many hours sorting papers.  Each year I question why I am doing what I do in light of my chaos. But each year that paperwork comes together and I am ready to start again.There has to be something more.  I feel like I am becoming cynical, a wake up call in my mind! I have to admit I like that Jesus paid the taxes with money covered in fish drool *smile*. Hmmm (listening again)

So what does it mean, "Seek first the kingdom"? Funny I keep listening but I am not hearing much.  The only thing I hear is "listen" hmmm maybe that is the answer. 

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Looking back

It's been almost a year since I started my war against chaos. Well, really, my war started when I said yes to Jesus, but perhaps this year it has been a more concentrated effort? I'm not sure how to put words to the lessons I have struggled through this year. More and more I am understanding that the war is not against stuff or clutter.  It is against the enemy.  The author of Chaos. I believe God is a God of order.  He brings order into the lives of His people as we turn to Him.  But the battle rages between order and chaos. It feels like I have made so much progress that I can no longer tolerate the chaos that once was the norm in my life.  But I haven't grown to the point that I am able to eliminate chaos.  Wow, I can't even imagine I have learned that trauma, especially childhood trauma fills your brain with chaos.  It's not just an emotional block but a physical reality.  Physical/ Psychological trauma causes your brain to develop differently.  It;s like running backwards all the time.  I am in the process of packing up part of my house and sorting out other parts.It's beyond me right now.How do people know what is important and what is in the way of life? I am just taking one paper, one box, one drawer at a time. God must do the rest. I keep clinging to the passage the says, "in Him all things hold together. That is my brain.