Daring to draw Near

 I read a book many years ago called "Daring to Draw Near" by John White.  In it was a challenge to truly get close and personal with God and to lay before Him your needs.  My family and I were in pretty dire straights.  We were without work and facing bills we could not pay.  Still, it felt petty to me to ask the God of the universe for a job.  It also felt like He already knows my dilemma so what's the point of asking?  I'm not sure where all that came from.  Perhaps I felt small in insignificant?  Or maybe like a black sheep, an annoyance perhaps?  I know that we tend to attach to God the attributes or our fathers good or bad.  I was certainly an annoyance to my earthly father, what was I to God?  How do you draw near when at your core, your riddled with fear and insecurities?

It was a struggle, but I laid all my misgivings aside and simply opened my heart and presented my concerns.  Though hesitant, I asked specifically, it was the middle of August, and I told God we needed to be employed by the first of September.  It felt a bit ridiculous I think.  Maybe I felt demanding and self absorbed, but at the same time, I took a step closer to the God of the universe.  I came to Him in need of what I could not do myself.  I was asking for a miracle.  Not demanding one, but asking like a child asks her Father.  It was the first time I had ever approached God as His child... It's hard to explain.  Just in the drawing near, I was changed... He was closer.  Like the James 4:8 says, "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you"  It's really true...  I dare you to do you same!

The end of the story started with a phone call.  We didn't call them, never sent in an application.  They called us!  There was an immediate need and our name came up, could we start right away?  We started our job on August 29th.  And I could almost see the twinkle in the eyes of God. 

Draw near, I dare ya!

Integrity, the hard right thing

What does it mean to have integrity? I wonder when we stopped teaching responsibility to our children.  Like when your child hits a baseball though a neighbor's window, isn't it time for your child to do the hard right thing and work off the cost of a replacement window?   How does that translate for us?  What is integrity?  

I wonder what the difference is between integrity and faithfulness?  I'm thinking of Luke 16:10 where it says,  "He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much; and he who is unjust in what is least is unjust also in much."  Is it integrity to be consistent?  Meaning, that you do and act the same when you are being watched as you do when no one is looking?  Are you faithful in the little things?

I'm thinking of the times when I get to my car and realize that I have something in my grocery cart I neglected to pay for.  When my kids were little this was a BIG deal.  I wanted to live a life of integrity but I didn't want to drag my cranky, weary kids back into the store just to get back in line or explain to someone I was returning something I didn't pay for.  Integrity, isn't integrity I guess, unless is doing the HARD right thing.

I know a man who has to decide tonight whether he continues to walk on the path that he's on, or admit he isn't able to fake it anymore.  Life is tough!  And fewer people understand integrity both on the giving and receiving side.  But, isn't it refreshing when someone taps you on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me but you just dropped this hundred dollar bill on the floor."  (I know, who has a hundred dollar bill these days eh? but you get my point!)

Integrity, the hard right thing... Isn't it time we lived it? 

I Stand to Wonder...

I stand... on what?  What is important to me?  What is expendable?  I don't think we really know the answer to that until we are tested... really tested.  I had a friend once.  She was very dear to me and I to her.  I'm sure we both thought that we would watch our grandchildren grow up together.  But then a day came when she had a choice.  Stick up for me and pay a huge personal price, or throw me under the bus.  I'm not sure how easy a choice it was for her but she made it without hesitation.  I was crushed under the weight of the bus.

I wonder if we do the same with Jesus.  We are dedicated, live our lives out fully for Him.  But like those disciples that left him when his teaching got hard John 6:51-58.  We dump Him at the first sign of trouble.  Isn't that why Jesus said  it?  To weed out those that would surely throw Him under the bus before they would wrestle with a hard saying?

Where are we?  Do we stand to wonder?  Or stand to judge? 

133 car pile up, who's at fault?

There was a 133 car pile up in Texas yesterday.  Many people were injured... some died.  Fire crews went from car to car doing triage.  The police took over from there.  They looked into every car and decided who was ok, who needed immediate medical or physical attention, who were beyond their resources to save, and who were already gone. It's a horrible trauma to be the guy (or gal) who has to run from car to car and do what he can, when he can.  It will take weeks, months, maybe forever for the pictures in their minds to fade away.  And yet here they were, in the freezing cold, giving their all to help who they could.

There are many others who jumped in to help.  Ordinary people who were there at the scene and all the myriad of wrecking crews who will be dealing with the carnage for days as they sort out the wreckage and bring the freeway back into working order.  

My heart goes out to them all as I saw this morning news.  The talk of the day was not full of gratitude for the grueling effort of our first responders.  Not even an offering of comfort for all those involved.  Or thankfulness for those who survived and those who got it cleaned up.  Instead news was a vicious call to root out who might be at fault.  At fault?  Really?

I live in the North.  This year we are still three feet behind from our average snowfall.  Which gives you a picture of my experience with snow.  Here, much responsibility is placed on the one who chooses to drive when the weather is bad.  Ultimately it is my responsibility to decide when and if I drive.  And it is my responsibility if I do not choose wisely.  

At the same time, sometimes... it just is what it is and no one can always foresee a hazard.  I remember a time when I was driving down the interstate on dry pavement, it was cold and snowing but nothing was sticking.  All of the sudden there was a literal line on the road.  On one side of the line it was bare and dry, on the other side, it was black ice, thick and deadly.  There was no warning at all!  There was no way to prepare and no one was being foolish even though we were all of the sudden going way too fast for the conditions of the road.  Over 40 cars piled up just behind me.  I barely escaped the same fate.  Until it was too late, no one knew what was coming.  Sometimes... it just is what it is.

It's not the fault of the road crew guys.  They are people.  They have a heart.  Most enjoy their job because it is a service to others.  Sometimes, it just is what it is and no one can know more than we know.  

Please, please... now is the time for gratitude and gratefulness.  There is so much more good that we can do when we look for and focus on the good.  

Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

Meditate on these things!

Consider your Destiny: Lamentations 1:8-9

“Jerusalem has sinned gravely, therefore she has become vile.  All who honored her despise her because they have seen her nakedness; yes, she sighs and turns away.  Her uncleanness is in her skirts; she did not consider her destiny; therefore her cal apse was awesome; she had no comforter. "  Lamentations 1:8-9

I have been spending time in Lamentations lately.  I am beginning to relate more deeply to Jeremiah because he saw the destruction of Israel coming and yet no one would listen to his warning.  In fact, he was punished for speaking the truth in the name of God.  

I’m thinking of Frances Schaeffer’s book, “How shall we then live?”  Which compares our cultural progression with the corruption and eventual fall of ancient Rome.  It is clear that we are corrupting but are we falling?  It sure feels like falling from here.

In reading this passage in Lamentations, this phrase caught my attention, “She did not consider her destiny”  Wow!  What does that mean?  And do we consider our destiny?  If we did, would it change how we navigate every day life?  Would we be making different/better decisions?

Consider your destiny…then what?  If I take my destiny into consideration what will that change?  Is it too late?  I believe God gives every opportunity.  That God waits on the edge of His seat.  He LONGS for us to return to His original intent. 

If we, the church, consider our destiny what will that look like? Certainly now is the time to find out, don't you think?

Where'd you go Bernadette? Is there a place for Artists? (Spoiler alert)

Have you seen the movie, "Where'd you go Bernadette?"  It has an interesting point.  I was struck with a deep understanding both of the lostness of Bernadette and the statement of her friend when he said "If an artist stops creating, they become a menace to society.  That is SO true!  

From my perspective, artists are a different species.  They may be difficult to understand, but they are often listening, seeing, and feeling the world with totally different intensity.  That intensity is a clamor   that rings in their ears like a dissonant chord.  Creators must create.  (really... are we not all created in His image as creators?)

I'm thinking of Genesis.  I have heard many ask the question, "Why did God make man?"  Considering the mess we have made of ourselves, it's a really good question.  But looking from the perspective of an artist, God is the creator... and creators must create!  

Exodus 31:3 says, “Behold, I have called by name Bezalel the son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah. I have filled him with the Spirit of God, in wisdom, and in understanding, and in knowledge, and in all kinds of workmanship,"  The passage goes on to describe many others that God had filled with the ability to create beautiful things for the tabernacle.  He created artists to create, He also created singers to sing! 1 Chronicles 9:33 says, "These are the singers, heads of fathers’ households of the Levites, who lived in the rooms and were free from other service; for they were employed in their work day and night."  Day and night they were employed to sing.  That sounds like heaven to me!  These passages say to me that God has made a place for the artist.

At the end of the movie, Bernadette, a very famous architect  who hadn't worked for years, suddenly was inspired to design a project.  It seemed to me a bit unrealistic that she should get the job so easily.  It doesn't seem that simple does it?   Right now the emphases is on STEM subjects.  And that's good stuff to learn.  But, if you are an artist, it's hard to stir up interest in say... computer programming or biology.  There are masterpieces to create!

It is hard now to find a place for artistic juices.  No one is seeking a painter for the Cystine Chapel!  Nor a court composer for the upcoming ball.  But tucked inside us all is a gift... It may not be perfect by the worlds standard, but it sets our soul free when we move in it.  Seek the LORD, seek the place He has for you and Create!

Making money square foot gardening

 I have worked to start an urban farm for the last three years.  At first, I sought to create a profitable farm with the side benefits of having good food to eat.  I soon realized that my community was pretty urban farming averse so I spent the time doing research, blessing friends and family and at the same time eating really good food!

One of my first efforts was to become a certified "Square Foot Gardening" instructor.  I had been using a hybrid of the Square food garden method for a few years.  It had been amazingly successful with much less work from my previous gardening, so I set about trying to do square foot on a large scale.  My gardens did amazing! 

If you want to be successful the very first year you plant.  Square foot gardening is a great way to get started.  Start by reading the Square foot garden book.  Read the whole book don't just skim through it.  And pay close attention to where he has you put your gardens.  This is the lazy man's way of successfully growing vegetables.

I invested a significant amount the first year buying all the ingredients for the boxes and the boxes themselves.  If you want to be consistently successful the very first year, using the Square foot ingredients for your soil is a must.  (1/3 compost from 5 different sources like cow, chicken, bat, worms, 1/3 vermiculite and 1/3 peat-moss) Many people will tell you that perlite is just as good as vermiculite but don't believe them!  Perlite floats and tends to wash away and make a mess and really it isn't as attractive over all.  Potting soil or topsoil from your nursery will not give you the same results.  If you can't afford all the ingredients, just use compost as suggested in the book.  Start making your own compost right away, you will need it for next year!  

Square foot gardening is hands down the best system I found for beginners and being successful year after year.  However, take the time before you plant to put in an automatic watering system.  If you do it yourself, they are not too much more than the investment you already made in set up and if you want to be a lazy gardener,  (the only kind worth being in my opinion) then take watering off your plate from the very beginning.  If you run soaker hoses down the middle of each row you are set to go!

But the question is, can you make money?  I'm still on the fence about that.  I wasn't able to test the theory where we lived.  I did have takers for an urban CSA but the investment in soil and boxes was big and I am more and more leaning towards a regenerative lifestyle which square foot doesn't address.  Making my soil instead of mimicking how nature establishes healthy soil seems counter productive and very expensive in comparison.  My thoughts so far are, yes, you can make money, you certainly can be successful and building soil fertility takes years where as Square foot will grow wonderful veggies the very first year! But I'm looking into ways that are more sustainable and less expensive up front.  If you have any new ideas let me know.  

Good finders

 For someone who struggles with a fear of rejection (which I do!).  The world has become a very scary place!  Social media seems to make it so easy to be critical.  Conformity has become a demand on both sides (that is if there are only two) and independent thinking demonized.  It is now assumed if we don't think alike, there must be some dark and sinister motive for our thinking...Where does all this ugliness come from?  And how as Christians do we navigate?

I'm thinking of the first part of 1 Corinthians 13:7.  This is how it is translated in the amplified version: "Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person" Wow! I want to experience that kind of love from my community, my church, my friends, my family!  I want people to at least try to believe the best of me.  What a gift that would be!  I don't want people to just say something nice to my face.  I want them to truly believe the best... even when I am not around.  Don't we all?

I was looking for reference to the saying "Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his moccasins"  and came across an article about Mary T Lathrap and a copy of her poem "Walk a Mile in his Moccasins" originally called "Judge Softly"  In her poem she writes:

Just walk a mile in his moccasins
Before you abuse, criticize and accuse.
If just for one hour, you could find a way
To see through his eyes, instead of your own muse.

I believe you’d be surprised to see
That you’ve been blind and narrow-minded, even unkind.
There are people on reservations and in the ghettos
Who have so little hope, and too much worry on their minds.

What if we were good finders instead of fault finders?  What if we offered kindness instead of condemnation.  What if we assumed that people wanted to be kind but were crushed under the weight of criticism and condemnation?  I too am guilty of assuming evil motive... It's time to repent.

What is Forgiveness?

Have you ever been betrayed?  I don't mean the kind of betrayal where you simply shake your head and walk away disgusted. I mean the kind of betrayal that knocks you down and leaves you writhing on the floor.  Sometimes trust is irrevocably broken.  Sometimes it can't be fixed.  Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, the scene plays over and over in our heads and we are powerless to stop it.

What then?  How can we move forward?  And how can we stop the pain?  If you have tasted this kind of pain, I can relate and I am so very sorry.  I get it, it's like eating an unquenchable fire.  Betrayal SUCKS!  And for what seems like an eternity, moving forward is hard.   For a long time, it takes work just to breathe in and breathe out.  And NO!  Time does NOT heal all wounds!  Nor should it.  

Pain is a gift from the Lord.  It is intended for our protection.   In our physical bodies pain is there to tell us to take care.  If we broke a leg but felt no pain,  how would we know to seek medical attention?

Emotional pain is also there to help.  Without pain how would we ever move forward out of the unhealthy into something more sane?  It helps us to make changes and become more than we are.  Pain gives us the choice to become bitter or better, gracious or ugly.  What will we choose?  And how can we choose well?

I have been told many times that forgiveness is the key to moving forward, and yes, that's true but...  I wonder if forgiveness may be the destination and yet there is no way to arrive without first taking the journey.  I find many who are trying their hardest to forgive without ever allowing themselves to feel hurt.  For some it's simply not ok to be angry.  It's almost as if we believe that anger in itself is sinful.  Yet Ephesians 4:6 commands us, "Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger," 

I believe that forgiveness is humanly impossible.  We keep trying with our own might to forgive but forgiveness never really comes until we seek the LORD for a new heart and a new perspective.  Sitting on the side of the LORD'S perspective, we see both our own deep pain and the pain of those who have betrayed us.  We see a God of justice and we can not help but cry out "Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing"

We are Moving!!

It started with my husband getting sick... very sick.  We weren't sure to what degree he would recover.  I started seeking God for what was next and how I might help augment our income enough that he could take a break from working.  We are a team.  It has been many years since I have worked independently of our home life and business.  I couldn't imagine trying to do something similar for someone else.  I spent many days crying out to God for vision, hope and a sense of future.  I felt led to try my hand at what I enjoy the most... growing things.

So for the last three years we have worked to build a small urban farm in the North.   We started with the idea that we could produce enough to share and slowly build a clientele while at the same time producing clean, healthy food for our family.  It has been a challenge.  We purchased a small foreclosed house that was on almost an acre of land.  

The laws in our city allow for farm animals as long as they are housed at least 100 feet from any dwelling including our own.  This piece of property made that possible.  So we added two sweet little miniature goats. It was also legal for us to grow all the vegetables we wanted both in the front and back yards of our property. But, too late we learned, we are not allowed  to put up a hoop house anywhere nor is it legal to sell one carrot from our gardens.  That’s right, I can grow bushels of carrots.  I can give them away, but selling them is illegal. I don’t understand

I could grow vegetables inside my house and sell those.  Heck, I could grow pot if I wanted to and sell that!  But selling vegetables grown outside my house is… evil?  I don’t understand 

Don’t get me started on raising bees which are only allowed if you have like 100 feet on all sides of your hives.  Bees are endangered and vital. We should be asking everyone to keep bees.  We should teach our children how to raise them in schools, not limiting who can have the privilege of keeping them.  I don’t understand.

After we purchased our property a specific law for chickens was passed.  You can have urban chickens provided you get permission from your neighbors, and you are willing to pay 43 dollars a year for a permit.  Really?  You want to give that kind of power to neighbors?  I can have up to 7 dogs on my property and no one can object.  How are chickens more of a nuisance?  And, how many eggs can you buy for 43 dollars?  At what point have we lost break even?  I don’t understand.

People are fickle aren’t they?  In the years during World War Two it was considered our civic duty to grow a garden and raise our own chickens.  Every household was asked to raise their own so that we could feed our county without the need for a foreign supply.  How did we get here from there?

All that said, I have tried to seek help with advocacy groups and the laws may be changing… slowly.  But in the mean time so much has changed this last year.  Our city was deeply effected by the riots this summer.  Many on both sides of the debate are angry.  There was a murder, outside on the street a few blocks from my house not long ago. Just this week our neighborhood was flooded with armed police and tactical teams carrying assault rifles who, in the middle of the night, combed our backyard guns drawn looking for someone or something. We don’t know what.  They said hello to my goats on their way out, but left us wondering what dangers lurked in the night outside our home.

We are moving to the country.  We bought a few acres outside of town.  The laws there are so much more friendly.  I can have whatever animals I want and sell whatever I grow right from my own little vegetable stand.  I like the concept of an urban farm, I think we need to start utilizing what we have to feed our own families. But today, I am plumb out of fight.  We are trading our dream in for a new one.

Back online!

The last few years have been confusing on many levels.  Along with everything else.  I have not been able to log onto this blog at all.  I have tried and tried but Google either thought I was someone else or I was just plain blocked.  I don't know but I tried again this morning after grieving the loss once again feeling like I am writing to the wind on my other blogs.  So this morning I tried.  Nope couldn't get past the error message that I have tried too many times.  Well... duh!  I have tried and tried.  So I tried again.... and then again.  And suddenly... it let me in!  I'm not sure what happened but I am glad to be typing on this page again.  Thanks for all your comments that I didn't see.  I will try to put them up if I can figure out how this thing works again.  

More posts soon to come!