God and I did a lot of processing yesterday. Money in many ways feels like an enemy to me. Sometimes it feels like I can’t help but serve money, like it has so much control over my life that I feel trapped into doing the “financially responsible” thing. I don’t want to be financially irresponsible. How can you tell what is moving in trust and what is financially irresponsible? I am stumped! I felt trapped yesterday and afraid, not exactly afraid because of money but perhaps still in reaction to it.
Fear or worry for me is an indicator. It means that somewhere inside of me satan (I don’t think is name ought to be capitalized grrr!) is getting a foothold. The word fear has so many connotations. I know some times it means respect, like I have respect for a warning sign that says, “DANGER!” I respect a rattlesnake that brings a new understanding to fear and trembling.
But there is a kind of fear that is an entity, the “spirit of fear” Like in 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear” (italics mine) Romans 8:15 says, “For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear” (italics mine) That word again implies to me that I once was in bondage to fear but I’m not anymore.
I am better than I used to be at recognizing the difference between fear that is respect of dangerous or powerful things and the spirit of fear. Yesterday the spirit of fear knocked on my brain. It felt good to recognized the attack early, before I made a huge mess of things (maybe? Well, if you only count yesterday.). Yesterday I turned to the LORD in my fear instead of screaming at others around me to make me feel better… safe.
God and I figured out that I freak out when given impossible tasks and are expected to accomplish them. Hmmm, but though mastering money feels impossible, it’s not. :)