Monday, April 25, 2011

Making myself weak by hiding my weakness

I'm struggling again with the toxic thing. I rode into town (big city) yesterday forgetting to bring my carbon filter (bad idea). If I had it to do over again I would have been late to our appointment and gone back for it... what was I thinking? I spent the night shivering, trying to rest. This morning I feel like a was run over by a truck!

No, I really don't want sympathy. I want to offer camaraderie for other sufferers of MCS (Multiple Chemical Sensitivities). I want to let people know what helps. If you suffer with MCS and haven't tried carbon filters like these you are suffering more than you have to.

But then I want to go back to that question... what was I thinking? Why was I willing to pay this price for something unimportant in the whole scheme of things. Why am I willing to squander my health for insignificant things? I know it's important for me to push through how I feel sometimes. If I didn't do that I would never do anything but it feels like sometimes I do things that compromise my health because I don't want to draw attention or because I hate being frail or maybe just because I am in denial about what it does to me? What's the deal with that God? (listening) Hmmm I am not really hearing the LORD in this place. It feels like I am afraid to hear Him because I don't want Him to say, "You have to do more!" What about that God? (listening) Hmmm what I hear is that God is a God of rest. I'm reminded of Mark 2:27-28, "“The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath. Therefore the Son of Man is also Lord of the Sabbath.”" What does rest have to do with my question? (listening) Hmmm well, I feel a deep sense of God understanding my exhaustion, wow, it feels amazing to feel understood!

So I'm going back to the original question, God what is driving me to keep going when it is a health risk for me? (listening) Hmmm, I hate looking frail... weak, being "in the way" or a "bother" Gak! those are all shame labels. Am I shaming myself into inaction? (listeing) Well, that feels true, I am risking my health so that I "look" healthy (How ridiculous is that?)

But my health issue is not who I am in the LORD. I have purpose, my weakness has purpose. God says in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." Wow, boast in my infirmities, I'm a long ways from being OK with that! But it is interesting that I, like many, hide anything that makes me look weak or frail. Which can often immediately make me weaker and more frail. I suppose that if I "boast" in my infirmities or at least be comfortable in my own skin and not hide my struggle I would have more potential to recoup and recover.

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