Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Day Two

To understand this post you might want to start by reading yesterday's

I find myself wanting to ask God legalistic questions like, “What exactly does it mean to clean something or order something?. Does this count?” As much as I hate legalism in concept, I think I draw a lot of security in knowing what the rules are. If you know what the rules are you know when you have broken them and if you know that you have broken them you know to expect a bad reaction. Ugh! That is all shame based thinking I know. And I know in theory that God isn’t standing over me waiting for me to flub it up. But my questions are exposing some nasty insecurities between me and God this morning. God help me to not treat you like another deserves.

Even as I went to God with my business meeting this morning I knew my thinking was twisted. I was asking my daughter yesterday what cleaning something might mean… (seems like I should know that but what is enough to say you “cleaned something?”) That all may sound goofy to you, but I’m trying to be honest here and that is where my brain goes. Can anyone out there relate?

My daughter’s definition of cleaning something was, “putting energy into something in a quasi productive fashion” hmmm I’m not sure I know what that means. But it isn’t about result, it’s about putting in the energy. Ok, I guess that will take more pondering. I know I expended energy yesterday… I went to bed exhausted!

So yesterday from 1 to 10 This is what I did and didn’t do.

1) (bm w God) God and I had a productive business meeting. I’m excited about that.

2) (blog) I got my blog done. That feels pretty dang vulnerable.

3) (ARK)I don’t think I know how to do this. I wanted to call a friend yesterday who is house bound but I ran out of time. What I want to do is be kind in heart and notice opportunities naturally. I think it will take time to adjust my thinking from being so busy all the time to actually noticing opportunities for kindness. I am asking in my business meeting this morning for the eyesight that sees opportunities.

4) (Cln smthg) Does moving a bunch of furniture around so that the guy can mud the sheetrock in my apartment count? (the deal is it actually looks worse in there but it still is progress) I’m feeling like what I do, do isn’t good enough. No wonder it’s hard to feel accomplished huh?

5) (Odr smthg) Does getting the oil changed, the lightbulb replaced, the squeak looked at, mailing letters, returning a broken video and checking the mail at the PO Box count? I’m beginning to thing that my daughter’s definition works for order too but at the end of the day I have nothing to show for my efforts except the lack of fear that the cops will notice a broken lightbulb or the lack of fear that that squeak would eventually break something. Is that enough? (Ok God we really have to talk about this!)

6) (Bk) I had a plan for my book yesterday but I ran out of time. I will try again today. Funny I feel better about NOT doing something than doing something that isn’t enough

7) (Fam) My life was full of very meaningful family encounters yesterday that’s why I ran out of time but they all seemed very important

8) (Me) Hmmm, what does me time look like?

9) (Mnstry) On Monday nights often I have a writer’s group at the ministry house. We had writer’s group last night and it felt like we all needed to connect on a meaningful level. That is ministry.

10) (rest) What does that mean????

I guess I have some things that God and I need to work out. ttyl

1 comment:

  1. I am so excited for you, and yes, I can see how this might be kind of scary for you, or as you mentioned, vulnerable. I was thinking the 'order something' would be like doing one thing, but you did a ton of stuff, no wonder you are tired.
    Oh, and I have caught a bit of your humor as well. I am not sure you see it, but God will give you so many gifts in the process. Thank you for letting folks walk with you through it.